8 Tips for Parents of High Energy Kids

Kids express energy and emotions in many ways. By looking at the child free from judgment, just observing their energy (and a lot of it!) helps clinicians, parents, and caregivers really get in touch with matching helpful strategies to the needs of the child.

Diagnoses that are common for kids presenting with higher energy or bursts of energy include ADD, ADHD, ASD, ODD, Anxiety or social and emotional developmental delays.  Challenges with regulating behavior and emotion is developmentally appropriate from birth through young adulthood and is not an indicator of a disorder or diagnosis.  The key is to understand if the expression of emotion or behavior is negatively impacting their quality of life or ability to participate fully in activities at school, home, or socially.  Here are 8 tips I have learned from over ten years of experience offering therapy for high energy kids and parent coaching to support families:

Get curious

From a neurological perspective, a child's brain has not wired up to connect a plan or coping strategies that match a situation the way an adult's brain is capable.  They are still developing these skills.  Adults can act as a supportive, "auxiliary brain" to help make connections between the child's needs and how to have those needs both communicated and met. Get curious and ask your child supportive questions like, "I see you really need to move your body, is there anything going on that I can help you with?"

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries, rules, and consequences is important.  It takes consistency.  The first step is for parents, caregivers, or a treatment team to be on the same page.  Deciding what behavior warrants attention and letting lesser behaviors go.  It is a hard balance as you experience the sudden meltdowns, the high energy, and sometimes constant redirection.  But reinforcing the same messages with consistency is key for them to learn new skills or understand the rules. It reinforces a sense of safety and trust about their environment and how people will respond to them.

Co-Regulate

Imagine paying attention to every little detail in your environment and having a hard time organizing your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as you constantly are taking in more information about your surroundings.  This is just a small example of the world of many kids expressing big emotions and a lot of energy..  It is like all of their senses are turned up to HIGH.  Modeling how to effectively regulate is important. Take a deep breath, get on their eye level by kneeing,  and try to maintain an open posture,  

Validate the emotion

Try validating emotions, relate to their experience if you can, and don't try to fix it for them.  Naming emotions helps to calm stress responses and activate  parts of the brain responsible for planning how to cope. If your child is old enough, have them generate some ideas and take some responsibility for how they may want to handle their energy.  For younger children offer one to two strategies that may fit their needs.  

Give your child and yourself grace

This is a therapy concept I use a lot with clients.  It helps to recognize that you are trying your best.  Give yourself a mental pat on the back.  Believe in yourself and that you are trying your best, pick incremental changes you want to make to be even better.  Believe the same thing to be true for your child.  They are trying their best at all times and yet they want to improve and be even better.

Healthy Detachment

You cannot control anyone but yourself.  It is ok to unconditionally love your child.  You do not always have to like their behavior.  

Take time for self care

I usually use the analogy of airplane safety, which is  "Put your air mask on first before you help someone else."  The same is true for being the parent or caregiver of a high energy child.  You have to take care of yourself to keep up with them and to take good care of them.  Burn out will take a bigger toll on you and your child compared to taking time out for yourself.  Keep it simple, attainable, and low cost.  A cup of coffee can go a long way.

Kids are more than a label

People are quick to label high energy children with negative names.  When we hear someone call our child one of those negative labels it hurts and impacts our well being.  Focus on positive labels and reframing some of their high energy qualities. Insist that others use positive labels too. I like to shift from why can’t he sit still" to "he knows his body needs movement"  or "she doesn't know when to stop" to "she is tenacious."